


Hold me close 'cause I'm a little unsteady

by Hpchemgrad



Category: Me Before You (2016), Me Before You - Jojo Moyes
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26168095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hpchemgrad/pseuds/Hpchemgrad
Summary: Set after the return from the Mauritius holiday, an ending that doesn't completely break my heart.
Relationships: Louisa Clark/William "Will" Traynor
Kudos: 17





	1. End of Chapter 25

**Author's Note:**

> I love the entire trilogy. The story is perfect and painful and I just love it. But I couldn't let go of the idea of things happening differently, to save my poor broken heart. So this is an alternate ending that starts just before the reporter from The Globe comes to see if Louisa will give them her statement. It's a direct continuation from Chapter 25 (pg 344) with a little hint of After You at the end.   
> If something looks familiar, it's pulled from the book - I own nothing but the mistakes

Chapter 25 (pg 344) – Continuation of Treena’s POV chapter

...”And then the doorbell rang. Louisa was off the sofa and in the hallways in seconds. She opened the door and the way she wrenched it open made even my heart stop.”…

But it wasn’t Will on the doorstep. It was a young woman with long dark hair tied into a messy knot, golden tanned skin, and expensive clothes. She looked uncomfortable, uneasy, and tired and I wondered briefly if this was Will Traynor’s sister. My own sister stood rigid and completely still, giving no indication whether she knew this visitor or not.  
The beautiful stranger on our doorstep then stood up straight. “He’s asking to see you.”  
My sister deflated and that rigid stance began to shake and I began to worry that I’d have to catch her before her legs gave out. Far more steadily than I thought her capable of, she softly asked “So he’s still… He’s not… He’s not in Switzerland?”  
The woman on our doorstep smiled wearily at Louisa and shook her head. Must be Will’s sister then. As she said nothing more and Lou seemed incapable of speaking now, I decided that I would have to be the one to sort out the details. “What happened? Where is he then?”  
She turned and looked at me for the first time and I tried not to be envious that someone could have it all and still look beautiful while almost crying.  
She discreetly sniffled and, suddenly businesslike, said, “We had to take him to hospital before we got a chance to leave, bad AD attack. He was doing something with Nathan in the spare bedroom, packing something, and he got upset. He’s been there for a couple days. He started asking for Louisa and Mom and Dad didn’t want to leave him.”  
Before either of us could respond, the phone rang. With Mom busy with Thomas and me standing nearest, I picked up to hear a saccharine-sweet female voice ask for “Louisa Clark?” I looked at my sister’s still disbelieving face and, recognizing she was currently completely useless, I responded, “She’s indisposed right now, can I take a message?”  
“That’s a shame. This is Nancy Sterling from The Globe –"  
“The Globe?”  
“Yes, the newspaper? If she could give me a call back, we would love to have a small chat about her employers, the Traynors?”  
I pride myself for my ability to multitask but the flinch from Will’s sister at hearing me repeat The Globe distracted me from fully hearing the woman on the phone. As I heard the word “Traynors” she shook her head a little and I simply hung up the phone.  
My sister seemed to have recovered herself at least enough to ask, “The Globe?”  
Wills’ sister sighed. “The news heard about Will’s plans. They’re doing exactly exactly what I thought they’d do and he hasn’t even gone through with it.”  
“Is he?” My sisters voice was so small but ached with a desperation that was almost tangible.  
“Honestly? I don’t know. He is such a selfish arse and won’t tell anyone what he wants except now he’s insisting that he needs to see you. And as much as I don’t trust you and don’t think this is any of your business, I couldn’t be trapped in that awful hospital room with his miserable face one more minute.”  
If I held any doubts about his being Will’s sister, they were now abandoned. Is that what I sounded like when I talked about Lou at school? Did Lou talk about me that way? I tucked those questions into my mental filing cabinet, in the drawer labelled “Later.” I allowed myself to feel the brief surprise and indignation that his family could possible harbor suspicion towards the one person who devoted months of her life to changing Will’s mind. But I didn’t have time to think anymore because Louisa was in motion.  
She pushed past me, grabbed her house key and pushed past me again, declaring “Tell Mom and Dad I’ve gone to see him.” Before the door closed in my face.


	2. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Louisa's POV

I couldn’t think of anything except “he’s alive, he’s still alive.” I couldn’t focus on the fact that Dad hadn’t seen the Traynors because they’d been in the hospital and not in Switzerland. I couldn’t focus on the newspapers finding out about Will’s plans. I couldn’t even focus on how I was going to get the hospital. Only that mantra kept my feet going.  
I was halfway down the sidewalk, too distracted to count my steps, when Georgina offered to drive me there, with an odd look on her face. I was surprised at the offer, but it was the fastest way there. Before we pulled off my street, I noticed another car pull up at our house but the only thing I could think was “he’s still alive.”  
The drive was awkward and silent. The last time I had seen Georgina, she had literally accused me of taking advantage of Will’s condition to get myself a free vacation. I was fidgety and Georgina turned and stared at me in intervals as though she was trying to puzzle out what to make of me.  
When we arrived, I followed Georgina through the corridors feeling as though we were walking simultaneously too fast and too slow. I needed to see him, to prove to myself that he was still here, in the same plane of existence as me. I needed to feel the warmth of his skin, to touch the flesh that proved he was alive. But I had no idea what to say. I shuddered when I thought of the way I had left things at the airport. What do you say to the man you love when you hold the knowledge that you are not enough for them? How could I possibly see him without knowing if this hospital visit meant his plans were simply delayed – or if I could dare to let myself hope.  
We slowed and, crossing the threshold of a private room, I found myself in Will Traynor’s gaze. He turned to his parents, who were sitting beside the bed and said, “I want to talk to Louisa, can you give us the room?”  
His mother gently touched my arm as she left, but my eyes never left Will. With the room to ourselves, we just stared at one another. He was still tan, from Mauritius, but the healthy glow he emanated just days before was gone. His face was impossible to read. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, annoyed, or happy to see me. Maybe a little of all three. Suddenly he got that mischievous glint in his eye and said, “Clark, it looks like you’ve been run over by a lorry, what’s the matter?”  
It didn’t matter that he said it with that playful edge I loved so much. It didn’t matter that he words he chose were so insensitive. He could have said anything and I probably would have reacted the same way.  
I crumpled in on myself and couldn’t help the sob that tore from my throat.  
“Oh Clark. Come here.” And when I didn’t immediately move, “Please. Come on. Right here. On the bed.”  
As I sat, I could still see the sadness and anger under the surface, but I could also see the relief that I was here and without being able to help it, I blurted out “I missed you.”  
I laid down on the bed beside him and laid my arm across his chest. I could feel the solid warmth of his body and, finally, the tension leaked out of mine. I rested my head on his chest, letting my body absorb the gentle rise and fall of it. And for the first time, since I was dancing on the beach, I relaxed. I allowed my mind to focus on the man beside me instead of the future without him. I didn’t think of the guilt, the devastation, the utter hopelessness. I focused on the faint pressure of Will’s fingertips on my back, his warm breath on my hair. I let out a slow breath and softly said “Tell me something good.”  
His breath caught and I could almost hear his thoughts as he arranged words for me.  
“I’m not going to Switzerland.”  
Time felt like it had stopped all around me. Five words and the tension raced back up my spine. “Ever?” Squeaked out of me. The answer to that one-word question would tilt my world on its axis, for good or for bad.  
“No Dignitas. Not until I need to depend on machines to survive. I’ll go then and you’ll have to let me, but not until then.”  
It couldn’t be real. I had worked so hard to hear those words and, until I heard them, I hadn’t realized how little hope I had left.  
I carefully lifted my head and his eyes gleamed with so much sadness and fear. I don’t know if it was the expression on my face or if he no longer had the courage to meet my eye, but he looked away before saying “I don’t want to live this way Clark. Most of me doesn’t but this small annoying voice inside my head keeps telling me that I’m not giving it a chance.”  
My heart was so full, of joy and hope and disbelief and so much relief. I was teary-eyed and blotchy-faced. My mouth couldn’t seem to remember how to smile, so I buried my face in his neck and squeezed him gently, forcing him to absorb my happiness by osmosis.  
After a couple minutes, he started talking again. He sounded almost apologetic before he got angry again, “Georgina said she knew, but I didn’t think this would happen, why do the newspapers care what I do? I’m not a hot shot CEO anymore, I’m not a famous footballer. I’m no one that no one cares about. They weren't supposed to come after my family. They weren't supposed to come after you.”  
As his tone became increasingly bitter, my mind floated back to Treena picking up the phone.  
“I saw how they went after Leo McInerny’s family but they weren’t supposed to care about me!”  
I cut in before his blood pressure god dangerous, “How did they even find out?”  
He gave me his side-eye look, an expression that always indicated that he thought I was the slowest person he ever knew. But now that I was relaxed and so filled with hope, I could be my chatty self again. “It’s not like you told anyone. You didn’t even tell me. And Nathan would couldn't. Your parents and you sister would stay away from scandal no matter what and…” And then something clicked. It was me. Me and my stupid calendar and my stupid attempt to salvage things with Patrick.  
“Patrick.” It was all I had to say for Will to stop looking at me like that.  
I laid there dumbly, feeling guilty for sharing that bit of Will with a man I knew I shouldn’t have even been with. I quietly apologized.  
“Well, he leaked the news a day early. My appointment was tomorrow. Probably got that from your calendar.”  
I nodded. Slowly, through the guilt and worry that Mrs. Traynor might not allow me on her property for such a breach of privacy, I registered what Will said.  
I lifted my head and looked at him. “How do you know about my calendar?”  
He was quiet for some time and, just when it seemed like he was going to answer me, a doctor walked in and announced that Will was now well enough to go home the following morning.  
His parents and Georgina filed back in as the doctor left, looking anxious. After an uncomfortable silence, Mr. Traynor cleared his throat, “So, should we be restocking the annex or continue packing?” Mrs. Traynor’s face lost all color and Georgine curled up in a little ball on the chair she was sitting in. Mrs. Traynor looked at me and I could see that some of the hope in my blotchy face reflected back in hers. A small sort of warmth that I had never recognized in her settled onto her face as she stared back at Will. She looked like an entirely different person when Will nonchalantly said, “Might as well stock it up and unpack.”  
Georgina made a choking sound before getting up and firmly grasping her mother in a hug. A tiny flicker of disappointment flashed across Mr. Traynor’s face before it was engulfed in a smile. His eyes were glassy and he looked happier than I had ever seen him when he clasped Will’s shoulder and said “Thank you” to Will with an obvious lump in his throat.  
I offered to get coffees for everyone, just as a means of escape. It had begun to feel claustrophobic, being stuck in a room with people so unwilling to be honest with each other and made no real effort to acknowledge my presence. Will had closed his eyes and I felt like I didn’t belong.  
As I balanced four drinks, a useful skill cultivated during my time at the Buttered Bun, a familiar voice offered a hand. Nathan gave me a lopsided grin, “It’s good you came Lou. He’s having a bad day, but no matter what he’s said to you, I know he missed you.” I smiled, happy with the realization that my mouth remembered how, and relayed the good news, “He changed his mind about Switzerland. He isn’t going to Dignitas. He decided to live!”  
In saying it out loud, I was reminded hearing once that words have power. I believed Will when he told me and then his parents, but the act of saying it out loud to another person made it real. Suddenly, I was no longer in a hospital talking to a friend, I was in the annex, shaving Will’s face, eating lunch together, laughing at a terrible foreign film, crying during a concert. I was imagining a future with Will in it for the first time. It was wonderful and daunting and scary.


	3. Chapter 27

Will was allowed home the next day and I waited as long as possible before making my way to Granta House. I knew Will would need some time with his parents and with Georgina who had a flight leaving in the afternoon. By the time I had returned to the hospital room with the coffees and Nathan, Will was nearly asleep. The stress of finding out the newspapers were harassing his family and the emotional decision not to go to Switzerland took what little strength he had for the day.  
I walked into the annex, the place that had become home before the trip, with less confidence than I had felt the day before. We hadn’t had a chance to talk. About if the spare room could still be my room. About why he changed his mind. About what I said on the beach that night. About what he said in return.  
Mrs. Traynor was idly standing in the kitchen when I walked in. She looked at me with an expression I didn’t recognize, but the look didn’t make me feel like she thought I was the dumbest person she had ever met. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it. She walked into Will’s bedroom briefly and then returned, passing by me. Before opening the door to the main house she turned and said, “He knows you’re here Miss Clark, I’ll be in the main house if you need anything.” So we were back to cool professionalism.  
I did what came so naturally to me when I finally saw Will, laying in his own bed, I chatted about everything except the things that had weighed so heavily on my mind mere minutes ago. I commented on how lovely it was to be back in the annex and how lovely the flowers were outside and how lovely the weather turned out to be. And I would have happily gone on chatting about all of the lovely things, but Will, as he had become so apt at doing, stopped me. "Clark."

I looked at him then, that beautiful face, that I couldn't help but feel thankful for, just looked tired. Freshly returned from the hospital from an AD attack that had been serious enough to keep him in for days coupled with the knowledge that the future he had planned, that is, lack of future he had planned, had now so drastically changed had turned him into a man almost as sullen as when we first met.

I swallowed hard. Words seem to leave my mouth without conscious thought, I certainly hadn't meant to ask "Is this what you want?" but my vocal chords decided to do so on their own.

"Ah. So we're doing this now." He looked away.

After what felt like silent minutes dragged on, during which I internally chastised my mouth and began to fill with dread at what he would say, he finally said "Come here Clark. Sit by me."

I sat. I reached for his hand and twined our fingers together. The feeling of his warm skin on mine did what it always seemed to do, it calmed my mind and gave me courage.  
"Is this- that is- living." I paused briefly to prevent the lump forming in my throat to make itself known. "is that what you want. What you choose?"

This was the question I had promised myself to ask. After leaving the hospital, I had found myself at the library and on the message boards. I wrote that I was so relieved my friend had changed his mind about Switzerland, that it seemed like he had been convinced. I wrote that they hadn't gotten rid of me yet, that I would still be talking to them and asking advice. It poured out of me and into the only vessel I knew would really understand. And I couldn't have been more thankful for those other people on the other end of the internet. That is, until I got a reply.

Richie, who had quickly become my favorite, responded.

Bee, I am so happy for you that your friend changed his mind. But I want you to be careful and I think you need to make sure this is his choice. It sounded like your friend is stubborn and had enough. And I can understand that. It’s not a choice that I would make, I love my life, even if I wish it were different. But it’s tiring, leading this life. Tiring in a way the AB can never truly understand. If he was so determined, if he really couldn’t see a way of things being better for him, then I think you need to make sure this is his choice before you let yourself plan your future together. You know I’m on your side here, Bee, and I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear. 

It had haunted me all night. It led to me being told by Treena that I needed to "leave the fucking house before she killed me" as I had come home a mess of emotions that didn't improve as the night and then morning went on. I couldn't tell my parents he had changed his mind, only that he was returning home the next day. I told Treena the truth and she huffed when my parents treated me like something fragile. She seemed convinced that I was just refusing to be happy. She was actually angry with me for not telling our parents, like I wanted the extra attention, until I was sure this was what Will wanted. For how smart she is, she couldn't wrap her brilliant brain around how heartbroken I would be if Will decided to change his mind and my refusal to let my parents be part of that emotional roller coaster as well.

The annex was silent as I enjoyed the gentle pressure of Will's fingers on mine.

"I found your calendar."

"What?"

"Nathan and I went into your room. I was going to bring your bumblebee tights with me to Switzerland, so the last- So a piece of you would be there with me. As he went through your drawers, I saw the calendar on the back of your door. I saw the exclamation points on the day before my appointment. I saw the "time to start job hunting" scribbled out. I saw all our adventures planned out. I saw so much life. And I saw how blank it was after." 

Tears began to silently pour down my face. He continued.

"I thought about Mauritus. About how you stormed off and all I wanted to do was chase after you. And I didn't realize how lost in my thoughts I had gotten until Nathan was in front of me, telling me to calm down. But by then my blood pressure shot up and I ended up in hospital. Again."

"I'm sorry I left you there. In the sand, I mean. I'm sorry I..."

He moved his head and told me with his eyes that he didn't want any apologies, he didn't need any apologies.

"You were right Clark. About both things. It is my choice. My choice to live like this. In this body that doesn't do a single thing I want it to. It's scary, bloody terrifying, and I hate it. It's never going to get any better than this. But I was too stubborn to give it a chance. And once I was in the hospital, whenever I thought about going to Dignitas, I no longer felt at peace about it. Instead there was voice telling me to just give it a chance."

My breath caught and the seeds of hope yet again began to bloom in my chest. The seeds were a bit wobbly, having bloomed and been snuffed out too many times in a matter of 24 hours, but they tentatively bloomed just the same.

"So this is. This is what you want? To live... An us?"

"Yes, Louisa Clark. I still think someone else would be able to give you a better life, and I refuse to be a thing that holds you back. But I've learned that some people... just can't be told."

He gave me a slight smirk and through the blotchy-ness and tears on my face I hoped he could see the gratitude I felt. "These last 6 months with you. It has been the best six months of my entire life.”

"Funnily enough, Clark, mine too."

I was rewarded with one of those special, hard-earned smiles when, after pressing our foreheads together and mingling breaths for a moment, I said "I'm going to kiss you now Will Traynor."

And I did.


	4. Epilogue

The calendar was full again, outside of the days I had classes. I was no longer a carer, instead I was Will’s partner. I kept my room in the annex, even if I didn't sleep in the bed it contained. It wasn't easy, there were still bad days. Days that Will hated his life more than others. Days he felt ill. Days he was in so much pain. My mom still hadn't forgiven him or his family, or me. In the days after he changed his mind, Treena had revealed that I asked him, given him an out, that I made sure he was ok with his choice. In Treena's defense, she had been just as surprised when mom got angry and shouted that I was just as unfeeling as the Traynors and that she hadn't raised me that way. And she told me to get out and not come home for a while. So I stayed away, and saw dad around the castle where he would pat my shoulder and tell me to give her time.

It was impossible to hide from Will what had happened, but I told him he wasn't allowed to feel guilty for it. He helped me study. When I felt like I was in over my head, he reminded me that I could do it. That he was proud of me. I think that my high marks felt, to him, like his good marks too - like it was tangible proof to him that his continued presence in my life made me better. I know that many days he needed that reminder.

A few months after he changed his mind, there was a knock on the annex door. I was so pleased to see it was my mom. Things were still shaky between us and for her to come visit me was a big step. There was a young girl with her, she looked about 13 with familiar eyes that were scared and defiant all at once. 

"Louisa" my mom was still not back to calling me Lou, I couldn't help but flinch, "this is Lily, she came looking for you. She says she's - "

"I am Will Traynor's daughter" The girl interrupted.

And, just like that, despite the trials and complications in the life of this small girl, Will Traynor had one more reason to get up in the morning.


End file.
